Samurai Rebellion. While the title is a bit cheesy, the movie is far from the fake drama you’d find in an old Hollywood film, or the heartbreaking scenes from your favorite prime television shows. No, the title is Samurai Rebellion because they didn’t speak much English when they were naming it. This is sort of how the naming process came about.

{Translated from Japanese}
Director: So, this movie is really coming along nicely.
Producer: Yes, I agree, however, we still haven’t got a proper name for it.
Director: Yes, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I suppose we’re both in agreement that “Sword of Fluff” is out.
Producer: I’m pretty sure that one won’t fly. How about Samurais ‘R Us?
Director: No, this will never go to America.
Producer: Neither will I, but I still practice my English.
Director: Yeah? What words do you know; we might be able to give it an English title.
Producer: Well, I know Samurai is the same. I also know Rebuild, on and family. That’s about it.
Director: That’s good. We’ll call it Samurai Rebuild On Family. Everyone will come to see our bloody family movie.
Together Director and Producer: BIG BUCKS!!!

Unfortunately, their accents were too thick, and they had red necks for partners, so as soon as they said Samurai Rebuild On, they didn’t want to hear the rest. Samurai Rebellion was good enough for them.

Anyways, the movie itself is more tragic than Romeo and Juliet. Everyone that matters or you actually might care about, dies. It’s kind of like Romeo and Juliet because the main couple are fated lovers that die, but with a twist, because now families, the friar, the prince, and every small role from The Guard to The Apothecary dies. Even characters that you didn’t think were in the movie/play died. It was like watching Romeo and Juliet mixed with Hamlet. But, that doesn’t mean it was bad, it just means it was tragic. I mean, tragedy might suck for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it’s not entertaining, or enlightening.

The situation in the movie is a bit different though. In the movie, Toshiro Mifune (The John Wayne of Samurai films) plays the father of a prestigious family to their lord of the area. This takes place during the time of the Daimyo’s, Shogun’s, and of course, Samurai. Toshiro’s son is hooked up with their lord’s mistress, who’s already borne a son to their lord. At first they’re a bit hesitant about the relationship, but eventually, they learn to love each other with great intensity. However, the lord’s heir dies, and the only other heir left is the one Toshiro’s son’s wife bore (say that ten times fast). So, the lord now wants her back, but Toshiro and the gang say no. So, what happens is that the lord sends a bazillion people to capture/kill Toshiro and his son. There’s a big fight, and Toshiro does some major sword swinging and ass kicking. However, some asshole out of nowhere stabs the poor girl, and so Toshiro’s son runs to her. A spear stabs him too. Now Toshiro’s pretty pissed, so he slashes everyone to ribbons and then takes his grandson, Tomi, and storms out of town to tell the Shoguns and Daimyo’s of their lord’s treachery. However, on his way out, his best friend and partner who guards the town border stops him. They fight and his friend dies. While Toshiro is returning to Tomi, he gets shot 5 times, but not before offing a few dozen swords men, eight riflemen, and some poor saps that had a sword but didn’t do anything. Toshiro nearly gets to Tomi, but he’s crawling and dies inches away from reaching him. Lucky, Tomi’s picked up by his wet nurse and they return home. That’s pretty much how it ends. And when I tell it like this, it kind of sucks.

However, you should go rent it because the movie is incredible. The emotions expressed by each character seems real, and you feel sorry for everyone and the situations they’re in. Especially since this is Feudal Japan and everyone is expected to act like robots and not express any emotion, but all the people with problems don’t hold back. As well, you might want to see it just to see actual sword play, and not that foney-balogne stuff you get now a days. When you get sliced, it hurts, and it doesn’t take fifty thousand swipes to kill a man. It only takes a maximum of two, or a few bullets. That’s basically how everyone dies except the heir to the lord, who dies of the cold. Sucks to be him.

Also, movies that involve weapons or martial arts are usually under appreciated by those that don’t partake in either. That’s why I bought some weapons and started practicing outdoors. I swung a few Nunchaku (pronounced Nun-Chak-Ew [not Numchuks]) around, some sai, a couple of tonfas, and a wooden sword. All of them hurt and all of them were hard to keep in my hands. They’d fly and hit my dog, or crash through a window, or break a leg. So, I have to say that those guys with the clubs, swords, batons, knives, hammers, etc. know what they’re doing and they deserve more credit and appreciation from us, especially if they hit themselves half as much as I do.

So all in all, the movie should have been called, “Romeo, Hamlet, and Juliet in Japan” and was good if you’ve got time to appreciate the classics. I give it a three out of five.