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Saving the World in a Twisted Way by Afro Thunder

Tekken 5. I’ve been playing this game since it came out, and it just hit me to decide to review it. Now, I’m a big fan of Tekken, and don’t think that any other fighting game can beat it, except maybe Soul Caliber III, but that’s a weapons game. Now, most of you are saying “What about DOA? That’s better than anything!” But you only say that because you’re a poor perverted nerd who doesn’t have a life and needs busty virtual women to make yourself happy. But that’s okay because you’re forgiven. Anyways, the other thing most of you don’t realize is that Tekken also has a nice little plot to it, and some nice background on the characters.

The story is that the King of Iron Fist Tournaments started with Heihachi Mishima, who happens to be the father of Kazuya Mishima. Now, Heihachi started the tournament and the first Tekken was about the first King of Iron Fist Tournament, which had such competitors as Kazuya Mishima, Yoshimitsu, Nina Williams, Jack, Paul Phoenix, Marshall Law, King, and Michelle, all of whom are fighting to become the champion, they all fight each other, until they reach the founder, Heihachi, who happens to the “boss” of this game. Now, if you beat with any of the characters above, you get a nice little video at the end, which doesn’t make sense.

But if you beat it with Kazuya, you're correctly following the story, because in Tekken 2, Kazuya has defeated everyone, thrown Heihachi, his father, off a cliff, and taken control of Mishima Corporation. But in Tekken 2, Heihachi comes back, looking for revenge, except somehow, Kazuya has been infected by something called the Devil Gene, which turns him into the devil, and thus, he becomes the main “boss” of Tekken 2. Now, you can still beat with anyone, and get a different ending, but it doesn’t change the story of Tekken 3, in which Heihachi has won the 2nd tournament, and taken back Mishima Corporation, but this time, he dumped Kazuya intro a volcano, but, not before Kazuya had an…interaction with one of the competitors, Jun Kazuma, and had a son, Jin Kazuma, who was raised by Heihachi.

Jin enters the next tournament, while Heihachi is trying to find a way to become stronger, and stumbles upon a creature called Ogre, who he believes holds the secret. When finally face Ogre and beat him, Ogre merges himself with Heihachi, to become True Ogre, and becomes the “boss” of Tekken 3. Again, any other character, different ending, if Jin, following correct story, which is as follows: you beat Heihachi, and Ogre, than beat True Ogre, Heihachi comes back, shoots Jin because he doesn’t want Jin taking over, but Jin turns into the devil himself (got devil gene from Kazuya, duh) and beats the shit out of Heihachi again, then flies off, leaving Heihachi alive and still in charge.

In Tekken 4, they got smart, and starting actually formulating stories for everyone, making the stories more understandable. But, in Tekken 4, Kazuya comes back, which is kind of hard to believe, but he’s one tough mother. Anyways, Kazuya comes back, wanting to take back Mishima Corporation and kill Heihachi for trying to kill him. Now, in this Tekken, it’s kind of like the first one; there are no supernatural beings, and all the old folks are back, and the “boss” is Heihachi, who, to our dismay, is wearing a small sumo thong. UG! Anyways, if you beat with Jin, again, you’re following the right story, and end up sparing your father’s life and his grandfather’s life because he “saw” his deceased mother. How sweet. He then flies off into the night.

In Tekken 5, there’s no long period of time in between the fourth Tournament and the fifth, it starts right where it left off, with Heihachi and Kazuya K.O.’ed in a temple, when suddenly an army of Jack-bots crash through the roof, get their asses handed to them by a duo of father and son, and right before the smoke was about to clear, Kazuya grabs Heihachi, throws him into a big group of Jack’s and flies off, leaving Heihachi to be piled on, and blown up by an exploding Jack-bot, which presumably kills him. You also learn, that Jin is having problems controlling the devil gene, go figure. Anyways, the story in this one is that after the temple was destroyed, Heihachi’s father comes out from beneath, because he was buried there to prevent his devil from destroying the world. If you play as Kazuya, you beat the crap out of everyone, find out Heihachi is alive, beat him up, then beat up Jinpachi (Heihachi’s father), and have a little cute memory about training with grandpa Jinpachi, and then you stab ‘em in the neck, ending his life. The End. If you play as Jin, you beat everyone up, no Heihachi revival, and you become the “king” of Mishima Corporation. If you beat it as Heihachi, you beat the shit out of everyone, chain your father, son, and grandson to a space rocket, and shoot them off into oblivion, saving the world in a sick and twisted kind of way.

The game itself is fun and has new features than the old ones, including the ability to customize your fighters, and have never ending rounds of combat in arcade mode. The stories are good, and the fighting itself, is the same as before, just a little tweak here and there. It also brings back everyone from the old games, including Wang Jin Rei, an old man who kicks ass, like Heihachi. My favorite characters are Wang, Heihachi, and Paul, all of whom I’m unbeatable with, and if you think you can beat me, just come to my house and try it. 5 out of 5

ABOUT OUR WRITERS

Disgruntled Dan
Old Danny Boy is not happy. Not happy at all. The state of comics, movies and video games is falling way short of his expectations. Check out Disgruntled Dan's
Letters of Discontent here — new letters every month.

Afro Thunder
A man with crazy Kung-Fu abilities and even crazier hair. But please, don't confuse yourself into thinking he's Jewish, or Arabian, or anything other than a curly-haired, half white, half mexican ninja. He also gives the whole low-down on games and movies, but avoids reviewing comics (he's loves 'em, but can't tell you what he thinks of 'em).

Mike-oh
Mike-oh works for an advertising agency which explains his need for all of the escapism he uses to soak up his spare time. At least he spends some of that time sharing his thoughts with us on his various distractions.